I'm Alive

I’m back!! After a long couple of weeks I am able to think again.  On Saturday, March 26^th I developed a horrible headache that seemed very different to me.  I had been under a lot of stress that week so I figured stress headache.  Right?  Everyone’s had those a time or two in their life.  As the week went on I started to develop some more symptoms that were kind of worrying me, but I’m pretty hard headed.  Not to mention I work in a hospital so it really takes a lot for me to go to the doctor.  At this point I was having trouble staying awake, was very nauseous and I had no energy. The headache was now so bad that I couldn’t bend my neck towards the ground or from side to side without horrible pain.  I’m not one to call in to work so I stuck it out.  By the end of the work day on Wednesday, Marsh 30^th I was in pretty bad pain.  I thought what the heck I’ll see if I can get into the doctor tomorrow since I’m off work.  My doctor is pretty hard to get into so I thought for sure I wasn’t going to get in to see him, and I’m not a PA (physician assistant) fan.  Luckily he had a cancelation the next day at 9:45, so I left work about 30 minutes early and went to bed as soon as I got home.  I slept from 5pm that evening until 2 am Thursday morning.  When I woke up I was face down on my pillow and could barely pick my head up off of the pillow.  I really wanted to go to the emergency room at this point because I knew something was wrong, but once again I’m hard headed and knew that if I could go back to sleep I had an appointment with the doctor when I woke.
Now I’m on day 6 of the worst headache ever and I made to the doctor.  As I’m explaining my symptoms to my doctor he instantly says you need an LP (lumbar puncture) and a CT (CAT scan).  I started crying!  Maybe because I was physically drained and sick, but more than anything I didn’t want anyone sticking a needle in my spine (LP).  Working in a hospital and seeing many LP’s you just never know how it’s going to go.  I asked if there were any other options before we went to this, but he informed me that he would be a bad doctor if he didn’t order this test to be done.  This procedure needed to be performed at the hospital, so I headed to the ER.
After many tests and an LP it was confirmed that I had viral meningitis, which is exactly what my doctor thought.  The positive note to this test was that it wasn’t bacterial meningitis, which can be deadly.  The negative news was that I just had all these test ran and was poked in my spine to be told that it can’t be treated.  They were nice enough to send me home with some pain medication and something for the nausea.
The big question I’ve been asked through all of this is how did you get viral meningitis?  Well I’m not exactly sure.  It’s just a virus like any other virus you can pick up.  It’s just like getting a virus and having the flu.  I did do some reading on viral meningitis that helped me understand what exactly I had.  If you are interested in information on meningitis you can find information on the CDC’s website.
So…….after 2 long weeks I feel like a new person.  I would like to thank everyone for all their kind words and prayers. I’m so glad I feel good again!

Undivided Heart

Ezekiel 11:19-20  “I will give then an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh…and they shall be my people, and I will be their god.

I recently was honored to spend sometime with 260 women at a women’s retreat in St.Louis, MO.  It’s really cool to spend time with a group of women that love God. The retreat had 4 different sessions where women spoke about different topics that can divide your heart from a relationship with God.

Honestly, I never really looked at my heart as being divided.  I feel like I have a good relationship with God, but I see the division now.  I am divided in the sense that I have been choosing to let issues get in the way of my relationship with him.  One of the biggest issues of my division is my caring of others opinions.  I don’t want to care about what other’s think about my relationship with God, but our society has formed this opinion of what a follower of God is.  I think I struggle with this so much because I have been the one judging others who follow God.  You are either the person who has felt the judgment, the one that has done the judging or in my case both.

I’m choosing to not be divided in sharing my faith.  I enjoy sharing stories of my walk and my trials, but it’s not the easiest thing.  It is a struggle for me to put my thoughts and feelings out there.  I love to write and I love to learn, but I worry too much about how it’s perceived.  Writing this blog has helped me in many ways but has pulled me into this uncomfortable zone.   I’m a people pleaser and I don’t want to worry about what about others think of me.  I question myself on my writing and I have thought about quitting because of the worry of what others might think.   I’m sharing this struggle because this has divided me from being who I want to be.  I have heard some wonderful stories from women on how my stories have encouraged them.  I’m not saying this to be prideful at all.  My writing is for God’s glory not mine!  This just gives me encouragement to continue writing because we all go through theses struggles in life.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a believer, the issues I talk about relate to most people at sometime in their life.  So, if I can help others by sharing my stories than I’m choosing to continue writing.  I’m not going to let my pride stand in the way.   I have spent too much time in my life worrying about things that don’t matter when I can put my focus on what really matters.   This is so hard for me because I can’t handle stepping out of my comfort zone.  A relationship with God is not an easy one.  My relationship has brought me great trials, but also great joy.

I grew up knowing that there was a God, but I wasn’t a follower.  I never really had the complete desire to read the bible and understand it.  I still struggle with reading the bible, but I have the strong desire to understand it.  I have the desire to gain the knowledge of God’s word, but I have allowed my heart to be divided in this area.  I say allowed because I let my insecurities and the everyday living control a big portion of heart.  I want to control the situation and I have been more concerned with my comfort level.   I don’t want to people to think I’m CRAZY!  Well I kind of am, (LOL) but I’m not a loud mouth Christian trying to push God down peoples throat.  I understand that we all are different and at different places in our life.  I’m a good person with a good heart and just want others to see how God has changed my heart and how he can change your heart.

I know this is so bad to say, but sometimes I feel like it would much easier to walk away from my faith because of the hardship that it can bring at times.  I would never do that because I have truly felt the presence of God and know that he is real.  I have built some amazing relationships with several women.  I have an awesome church family and our small group is AMAZING.  God has even given me my best friend to share this journey.

So what divides your heart?  I shared a few areas of struggle, but I assure you there are more.  At the retreat one of the speakers spoke about us all being under construction.  I LOVED it!  So guess what guys, I’m under construction.  Are you? Do you want to be?  It’s ok if the times not right for you, but your missing out!

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lack of anything.